tick, tick, tick…BRrrRrrRRringggggggggg!

May 10, 2007 at 3:07 pm 3 comments

Tick, tick, tick…BRrrRrrRRringggggggggg! My biological clock is obviously sending out the alarm. I guess I can look for hot flashes anytime now. Well, see how you’d assess the situation…Surely, I must be HORMONAL:   

I just welled up with tears right here at work over something that in the past I would have handled with a simple verbal backlash, and moved right on. I mean, I did smart off at the co-worker that dealt me this morning’s trauma after he just kept on and on firing off unmitigated complaints at me. (Duhhhh!) But it really burns me up that I obviously cannot deal with stuff like this nowadays without totally falling apart emotionally in the process.  How infuriating! Mess like this would have sent me through the roof with anger in years past, but now it just hurts my feelings instead!  And it’s all I can do to hold it together when I’m on the receiving end of a tumultuous situation. Maybe I’m mellowing a little? (Surely not!) But when dealing with hot heads in the past I might have just hollered “GET OUT OF MY FACE”, and sent ‘em packing.  Now it seems I tend to internalize everything and think, “Why are you treating me like this? What did I ever do to you? I have been nothing but nice to you.”   I guess I just need to toughen up.  And, furthermore, if this reaction to daily upsets is the wave of the future for me, I will have to ponder medication. Anything else is not fair to my family.  Maybe I should “ask my doctor if PAXIL is right for me!” 

 Oh, and get this!  The process of trying to stifle tears is really pretty on me.  It takes all I’ve got to restrain the waterworks, meanwhile the whites of my eyes turn blood red.  (No, really. They do.)  I’m sure it’s comparable to watching Bill Bixby change into the Incredible Hulk.  And, remember mild-mannered Bill’s infamous quote that was on the show opener, “Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.” 

This is the second or third time in the past six months that I’ve fallen apart over something STUPID at work. And, the thing that absolutely burns me up is when a witness/instigator to one of my meltdowns responds to my emotional display as if they’ve stumbled upon an abuse victim of some sort, and ASKS ME HOW MY HOME LIFE IS!!! Seriously! I have gleaned that response TWICE, folks!  That one really sends me! I want to scream, “How’s my home life? HOW’S MY HOME LIFE????? It’s a hundred times BETTER THAN IT IS RIGHT HERE WITH YOU! It’s stinkin’ PHENOMENAL! That’s how it is!” Okay, truth is, that was a very mild rendition of what I really want to scream at those who make such comments!  But I do all I can to suppress any hateful retaliation, of course, in order to keep from marring my Christian witness.   Ohhhhhhhhhhhh dear me!  Could it be that I am peri-menopausal at 39? I do hope that by the time I really do go through THE CHANGE there’ll be at least a shred of that witness remaining in tact at the end of that journey. 

But, I have to say, this morning’s emotional eruption, as bad as I hate it, had one redeeming moment, in that it practically brought my verbal assailant to tears out of regret for his sharp words spoken to me. GOOD! It’s nice to know he has a conscience in there somewhere. Of course, then I ended up apologizing for my tears and lack of control.   And, that’s when he joined the ranks of idiots who’ve asked me how my home life is.  If I could have breathed fire out my mouth at that moment, he would be a crunchy burned place on the rug. 

Entry filed under: emotional episodes.

dashed dreams just another day in paradise

3 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Regina Vietmeyer  |  May 11, 2007 at 8:32 am

    I hope your Friday goes better than your Thursday. Join the crowd of hormonal folks. We have to stick together. I’m here for you girl!


  • 2. Mel  |  May 10, 2007 at 12:05 pm

    Can I come down there and give you a hug??? Maybe I could just slug a few for ya’………….maybe these four kids are toughening me up a bit b/c I tend to get pretty angry sometimes, but then I usually internalize and analyze everything too…….so I guess I am still on the same roller coaster ride as I’ve always been……..sorry for your tears though, I know it’s in those times that you get mad at yourself for letting certain people see them…..ugh.


  • 3. Leigh Ann  |  May 10, 2007 at 3:40 pm

    Love it!!


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