Babaloo

approval addiction

May 13, 2009 at 2:40 pm 1 comment

Over the past couple of decades, I have had to learn to toughen up about whether I have someone’s approval! I don’t want to admit I need anyone’s O.K. before I feel good about myself…. nor anyone’s pat on the back. I DEFINITELY am better at dealing with the blows life deals than I used to be. I’ll say that much. THank God! But, I would say that all of us have at least a little bit of a need for approval. Yeah?

I used to be really bothered if someone found fault with me. I guess I should say, in my subconscious mind, it still kinda haunts me. Clearly! I mean, I just told you in my last blog post that I do a lot of dreaming about disappointing people and not being good enough at WHATEVER. So, clearly I’m just as approval addicted as a friend of mine—And I told HER she needed to read the book APPROVAL ADDICTION by Joyce Meyer! Heh! CLEARLY I NEED TO READ THAT MYSELF! I don’t want to be addicted to approval. And I’ll swear up and down that I’m not. But, I guess I am addicted to at least the approval of SOME folks. I guess that’s true of everybody to a point. I mean, there are lots of people who’s opinion I don’t give two hoots about. But, still…certain friends can crush me with their appathy or lack of enthusiasm and encouragement.

What’s with that? How in the world can I possibly addicted to approval? I mean, I actually enjoy my solitude. I don’t mind being by myself at all. I am fiercely independent. I can eat alone in a restaurant and feel just fine about it. Although, I enjoy dining with friends as well. I talk to others easily. But, I let very, very few get inside my head. That’s because I have TRUST issues. My natural inclination is to sit by myself instead of to sit in a group of folks, typically, anyway. I don’t even know I’m doing it, by I probably make others think I don’t want to be near them because I quite naturally perch on a bench by myself instead of in the middle of a crowd. I don’t really like crowds.

Oh my gosh…how did I get down this rabbit trail?

I am a very close observer. I’ll swear up and down I don’t need anybody or any help. I’ve been known to push would be HELP away! I don’t wanna put anybody out! But, we all need a little help from our friends. And it is a mark of maturity to finally get to a place where you realize that about yourself. We all need our peeps!

I analyze EVERYTHING. For me, there is no such thing as over-analizing. I can tell you four possible outcomes for any given scenario at a moment’s notice. Regarding analyzing things…here’s a “for instance”: Email distribution lists? I hide mine if I’m sending to more than one person, I put all the people in the blind copy line. Why? Because I MYSELF CAREFULLY look to see where my name falls on that list when people send something to me. And I catch myself having my feelings hurt if I’m so far down on the list that I look like an afterthought. And, I know that’s petty. But, I confess! I look for that! And, therefore, to protect the feelings of the people I love…I blind copy my emails so that no one will see where they RATE on my distribution list! So, see! Maybe I’m growing in mercy afterall! I’ll bet I’m a 1.5 on the mercy-meter now! Alert the presses! In my own way, I may actually have a little mercy in me…somewhere.

Entry filed under: mindless babble.